Welcome Marnie and thanks so much for coming over today. Please
have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Can I get you anything? I prepared! (holds
up a frog mug and smiles) I have an endless supply of espresso and brownies!
They aren’t Harry’s brownies, but I’ve never had any complaints.
You don’t by any chance have any eyeballs in your pocket or
zombies following you around do you? I’m not really prepared for any additional
“guests” and I have dogs. I don’t think I need to bring up the zombies and dogs
situation. Although, I now keep kitty litter on hand; you know, just in case.
No? Great! Let’s get started.
Britney: So Marnie, I have to know! What’s it really like being
a day-sitter for Lord Dreppenstedt and how do you ever understand anything
he says?!
Marnie: Being Harry’s caretaker is a blast; he’s great company when he’s
not throwing a drama king fit, and he never points out my faults and blunders,
except that yes he does, he always does, and if he wore underpants, I’d give
him the wedgie of a lifetime. I
understand maybe half of what comes out of his mouth; the rest sounds like
“blabbity blabbity blah blah England!” I like to imagine he’s saying, “darling,
you are as clever as you are beautiful,” which is probably right, but not in a
good way.
B: We’ll just keep thinking he’s praising you with every sentence.
I mean, of course he is! Why wouldn’t he? You’ve had some pretty crazy
adventures and met a lot of new people recently. Without sharing any spoilers,
since some of our readers may not have met you and your gang yet (I know, crazy
right?! But it’s possible.) who has been your favorite person to interact with?
If you say Cosmo or Neil, I may have to take you to the crazy ward! *winks*
Marnie: I’m very, very fond of Byron Merritt, the butler at North House.
Any man whose job is to bring me comfort and cookies is gonna be pretty high on
my We Like This Guy list. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s a ninja. Everyone should
have a Combat Butler. However, overall, I’d have to say that my life is most
enriched by my boss, Gary Chapel. He’s a tolerant dude, and though I have no
idea why, he believes in me. When everyone else is rolling their eyes or
yelling at me, he’s got my back and he’s handing me a gun. Weird, right? Maybe
he was dropped on his head as a child.
B: Lol! Gary is certainly one of kind. And I for one, certainly
would love to have a Combat Butler! He would come in handy for all those
adventures. Speaking of those crazy adventures, which one do you think you’ve
learned the most from?
Marnie: Hmm, that’s a tough one. I’ve learned a LOT in the past few years
while working with the Preternatural Crimes Unit. I learned not to take tea
from strangers. I learned never to go to a party dressed like a squirrel unless
you’re sure you can handle the nuts. (FYI: I can’t.) Don’t offer to feed an ancient revenant with
your mouth unless you want your tongue nearly torn out. Maybe don’t offer to
feed an ancient revenant at all, even
if you’re about to become a demon’s hand-puppet. Check your pockets for
eyeballs before going to funerals. Very important! If you’re checking on your
neighbor during a zombie plague outbreak, don’t sneak over in little more than
a raincoat, or you may find yourself fighting zombie Labradoodles in your
underpants. Also, diet soda may kill certain monsters if they’re already
anointed with every herb in your arsenal, so if you’re not quite mundane
yourself, you might want to switch back to regular. I’ve learned that I can
shoot really well, and I have incredible natural aim, but this means nothing,
because the zombie head-shot rule is apparently bullpuckey. I learned that I
don’t know nearly enough about boggles, especially Stonecoats. I will be going
back to school and taking a class or two on the larger weirdlings. I guess
that’s what I’ve learned from all my cases: I don’t know nearly enough about
monsters.
B: Wow! That’s a lot. Apparently you still haven’t learned not
to talk to ghosts though. (smirks) Ok, moving on. I have to ask this question.
What is really going on with you and
Kill-Not--- I mean, Agent Batten? I’ve kinda got my eye on him and ya know, if
you aren’t going to make a move, I was thinking I might give it a go. He sounds
super sexy!
Marnie: Sexy? Mark Batten? Puh-lease! He’s a giant dillhole. I mean,
sure, he could crush rocks flexing those
biceps, and he’s got a wolfish grin that lets a woman know she’s in for the
romp of a lifetime, but, I say, “HA!” Nobody needs that. *uncomfortable
wriggle* Nobody needs that. Also, he’s
a big doody head, so by all means, have at him! The last thing I need is *ahem*
any further contact with said gentleman in an unclothed or otherwise naked
fashion. You go right ahead, missy, and enjoy… Wait just a second… *squints at
Britney Wyatt* Aren’t you dead? Aren’t you the reason I’m not a blonde anymore?
Oh good! I’m being interviewed by ghosts, now. *head/desk* My life is too
weird.
B: (smirks again.) You caught on to that did you? Well, I
personally like your new rockin’ look, and I’m getting some mixed vibes in
relation to Batten, so maybe I’ll just haunt around him for a while. Get little
glimpse. (giggles) So, I’ve read Last Impressions, and let’s face it, I’m a
little more involved with this book than just reading. Let’s say I have a
personal connection to this fine story. But you go girl! You kick ass! (Which I
totally appreciate by the way because that polte… uh, nevermind.) This book has
a bit of a different feel to it. Is your lifestyle starting to wear on you? You
seem to be getting tired and I can’t blame you. You’ve been through some major
crap lately!
Marnie: When I first retired from Gold-Drake & Cross, I promised
myself that I was never going to work with cops, monsters, or the FBI ever
again. I was so looking forward to holing up like a hermit with my cookies and
my revenant and having a nice, peaceful life. And then the ghouls happened. And
the demons. And the zombie plague that damn near got out of hand. And then I
nearly got crunched by a Stonecoat boggle. And I helped track down a stalker
who was also a serial killer. I am absolutely worn out. I’m losing my edge, if
I ever had one to begin with. Time for what I call “sharpening the saw.” I need
to hole up like a hermit again, take on fewer cases, maybe none at all. I can
do that, right? I keep trying to quit, but no one listens. Harry was thinking
of going on a Baltic cruise. I’m not exactly sure how that would work with his
issues with daylight, but it sure sounds good to me.
B: Whew, that all would start to wear on a girl. If you retired
right now, where would you go and what would you do? (Not who Marnie! Where!)
And I’m not encouraging this by any means, the retirement that is, so don’t
tell Harry! Or Chapel!
Marnie: I’ve been having a happy fantasy about opening my own psychic
detective agency. Maybe I’d only take easy cases, like, “Dear Marnie: is my
wife cheating on me?” “Yes! But hey, she’s really super happy, and why would you
wanna mess with that? Happy wife, happy life. You should pork your busty
secretary and also be happy. That’ll be eight hundred dollars and a pack of
Oreos, please.” That’s terrible advice. But the job sounds right up my alley,
right? And probably I wouldn’t get punched, bitten, or roofied as much as I do
now.
B: Uh, maybe you should stick to what you know. I’m not sure the
rest of the world is quite prepared for your patented mix of humor and, well,
scary shit. Last one, I promise. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I mean,
do you think you can continue doing what you’re doing or do you have other
plans? Places to see, people to meet?
Marnie: Well, Harry’s not going anywhere. And thanks to the ms-lipotropin
and V-telomerase in my veins from feeding him, I’m going to look and feel
pretty much like this *swirls finger at face* for the next decade at least. (Britney
rolls her eyes.) And as luck would have it, Chapel and Batten are an
unshakeable force in my life. Soooo, I’ll probably be parking my ass right
here, in Shaw’s Fist, Colorado, kicking monsters in the gonads, swilling
espresso, and savin’ butts. Could be worse. Could be swillin’ butt and saving
monster gonads; that sounds like the worst job ever.
Hahahaha! No monster gonads! Thanks so much Marnie! It has been
so great getting to spend some time with you. You know, if you ever need a girl
to talk to, just ring me up, or I guess that be summon me up? You’re surrounded
by men. I mean, some of them are sexy, beautiful men, but if you want some girl
time I’m around. Grab some coffee, hit the mall, avoid all zombies, ghouls, and
ghosts… could be relaxing. I’m just sayin’.
Marnie: You hit me up on my new Wee-Gee Fun Board any time for a chat,
Ghost Girl. J
(Britney disappears into thin air.) Yea, this ghost girl thing
is pretty cool!
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